Are you stressed out because your elderly parent is refusing care?
Whether it’s refusing to go to doctors appointments, live in an assisted living community, or stop engaging in dangerous behaviors (like driving), dealing with a parent who refuses help can be incredibly frustrating and stressful.
It’s important to know, however, that you are not alone in your stress. In fact, according to research from Penn State University, 77 percent of children believe their parents are stubborn when it comes to taking advice or seeking help.
Clearly, this is an issue that nearly every child faces at some point.
However, transitioning into a new lifestyle does not have to be a drawn-out stressful battle, for either party involved. There are strategies you can implement to ease the tension and to reach an agreement in these situations.
Read on to learn what to do when if your elderly parent refuses care.
Start the Conversation Early
Surprising an elderly parent with a big lifestyle change is one of the worst things you can do to them. If you all of a sudden show up with a home caregiver, or you tell them you’ve arranged plans for them to move into assisted living next week, they are not going to be happy.
Therefore, it’s very important to start the conversation about any potential future changes as soon as possible.
Broach the subject with open-ended questions like, “Mom/Dad, where do you see yourself living when you get older?” Or, “How would you feel about hiring someone to help around the house so you have more time for other activities?
Make sure you present questions in a relaxed tone. Also, if your parent gives you an answer you don’t like, don’t immediately jump down their throats with a counter-argument. This will just make them feel attacked, which will cause them to shut down the next time you mention the subject.
Delicately ask why they feel the way they do. Then, bring up the subject again at a later date. This time, gently tell them about the benefits of receiving help.
Show Sympathy
For many, aging is a scary process.
It can be incredibly hard to accept the fact that both your body and your mind are being to deteriorate. The aging process can leave one feeling depressed, frustrated and isolated.
Oftentimes, elderly parents are afraid that their children won’t understand their feelings or concerns about the aging process. Because of these fears, they do everything they can to not talk about the subject with their loved ones.
Therefore, it is very important to let your parents know that you are incredibly sympathetic to their situation. And, let them know that your desire to help them is coming from a good place.
Displaying sympathy for your parent can help break down boundaries when discussing care options.
Get to the Bottom of the Problem
A lot of times, a child will suggest care options to their parent. The parent will refuse the options, and the conversation will end there.
If you’re stuck at this point, then you need to do a little more digging. A parent simply saying “no” to care is not enough. Probe them with more questions to figure out exactly why they don’t want help.
For example, some parents may say they have privacy concerns. Others may be concerned about their safety or worried about losing their independence. Or, they may feel like they do not have enough money to pay for care.
More often than not, the concerns they bring up are ones that can be solved. Take, for instance, the issue of privacy or safety. If this is their main concern, you could offer to put security cameras, locks, or alarms in the house to help them feel safer.
If they don’t want to lose their independence, you can work with your parent to create a list of things they absolutely don’t want to give up doing. For example, if they love watering and caring for their garden, then you can assign this as a task they’ll keep doing. If however, they aren’t so keen on washing dishes, you can assign this task to their caretaker.
Getting to the bottom of their concerns will make it easy for you to tailor a solution so everyone wins.
Recruit Help
Are you the only one who has been telling your parent that they need help?
Oftentimes, hearing it from one other person can make all the difference. Typically, it’s best to recruit a professional for your loved one to talk to instead of another family member.
Ask a psychologist, doctor, social worker, or anyone else whose opinion would be held in high regard by your parent. Sometimes, all it takes is one outside expert to convince your parent that they need help.
Plus, some parents may simply feel more comfortable opening up to someone who isn’t a member of the family. An outsider who approaches the situation without bias can be an extremely important resource for both you and your parent.
Find an Outlet
It can sometimes take months to convince an elderly parent that they need help.
These months will likely be filled with emotional turmoil, so it’s important that you have an outlet you can vent your frustrations to. Whether you’re angry, sad, frustrated, or hopeless, having another friend or family member to talk to is extremely important.
If you do not have an outlet for your emotions, you will end up taking them all out on your loved one, which will only make the situation worse.
Take Things Slow
Major life changes can be difficult on anybody, but especially on an elderly parent.
If your parent agrees to care, don’t dump everything on them at once.
For example, if you want to hire an in-home caregiver, start by only having this person come over once a week for a while. As time passes and your parent adjusts to the caregiver being there, add on another day. Then, slowly keep adding days on as necessary.
Your Elderly Parent Needs Your Help
As much as they may hate to admit it, your elderly parent needs your help. Therefore, it is very important that you are kind, sympathetic, and loving throughout this whole situation.
If you have any questions about helping your aging parent transition into assisted living or in-home care, please drop us a comment or contact us today.
Elderly Parent
